You're probably wondering what I'm talking about.  How could teenagers and toddlers be the same?  Well, think about it.  A toddler is stumbling off into the world for the first time.  They are suddenly able to move away from Mom or Dad on their own power.  They toddle off for awhile then look back to see if you are still there, right?  Of course, they want to explore but don't want to lose their anchor.  Teenagers are very much the same.

Teenagers are just discovering their ever increasing autonomy.  They are held responsible for more and more of their own activities, their own choices even their own transportation.  They may not say it, but they too are always looking back to make sure you are still there.  They may hang on the outskirts of adult conversations but believe me, they are all ears.  They are testing their wings with new relationships at school, new weekend activities, dining out with friends, riding along in cars, going to parties, the list goes on.  But, they need you more than ever during their teenage years.  They just need you in a different way.

I've come to believe that teenagers need you at home even more so than they did when they were younger.  I know that goes against some current views.  Younger children need your hugs, your smiles, your physical care, and your supervision for their safety.  Teenagers need your ears, your nods, your smiles (that's consistent), your encouragement, did I say your ears?  They need time to process their day, and when they are ready they will tell you the stories.  If you listen carefully they are bouncing ideas off of you, seeing your reactions, looking for guidance, listening for answers, determining if they did the "right" thing.  They are curious about your "take" on situations.  Of course, they are not going to come right out and tell you: "Hey, Mom, do you think I did the right thing?"  But, they are asking, never the less.

If you are not available when these questions arise, who will they "bounce" their concerns off of?  Most often it will be their peers.  As important as friends are, they are not parents.  They do not have the life experience that parents have to share.  They do not have the "perspective" nor your teenager's best interest at heart.

I have found that the first 30 minutes after they get home or while they are in your car is the most important.  That is when things of the day are most fresh.  That is when you can really "read" your teenager's mood and attitude.  It doesn't take much, just sitting quietly reading or making a small snack and you will suddenly have them by your side or sitting near you.  Give it a couple more moments and they will start telling you about the day.  You don't necessarily have to "fix" anything they share; you just need to listen, ask for clarification, repeat what they say (for example: "What I hear you saying is.......is that right?")  And a carefully placed, "What did you think of that?" is always enlightening.

Be your teenager's anchor.  Even as they stretch their wings they are "looking back" to see if you are there.  Let them know that you are available, be at home, pick them up from school, answer their questions (the ones they don't even know that they are asking), and watch as they grow and mature.  They are navigating precarious waters, having someone to help guide them is critical to them becoming wonderful adults. 

Action Plan:  set aside the first hour when your kids get home as "re-entry" time.  Time when they are re-entering the family.  Time when they will "dump" about their day.  Don't try to do too much during that hour.  You are there to be available for your kids.


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Stumble It!
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by Laura Breite -  Mothering Guide
San Diego, CA
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Please direct a courtesy copy to laurabreite@mac.com or snail mail it to:
Laura Breite
www.MotheringGuide.com
13422 Sawtooth Rd
San Diego, CA 92129